Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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