i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
