I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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