Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
i believe in u and ur pee
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
