Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
