I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
