I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
