ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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