I was born with a shot glass in my hand
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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