Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
