I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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