The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
