I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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