Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
