you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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