Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
