I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
