I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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