So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
