I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
