He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
