Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Pants are for mortals
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
