My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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