And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
