Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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