we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
