I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
