i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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