so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
