I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
