dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
