Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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