Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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