I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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