I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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