Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I got inside last night via doggy door
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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