I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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