don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
