What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
