Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
