i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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