update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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