The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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