Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
