is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
