I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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