hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
