Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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