life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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