she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
